Revelation / Insanity?

Here I am again in the middle of the hiatus of Semester 9. I m definitely the perfect example who only loos to God during times of trials and challenges :( I tend to be so comfortable and take God for granted during "peaceful" days, when in fact I should thank God even more for blessing me with "peaceful" days.

THe gynaecology SAQ results were definitely a big wake up call for me and a timely one too. I have been relying too much on myself since the beginning of Sem 9. I thought if I would just work my ass off in Gynaecology posting, I would be rewarded with good results. So much so, forgot to leave things to God. I relied a lot on myself and take pride in my hard work and participation. I was quick to judge ou others and was being a tiny little overconfident. I thought I knew gynaecology in and out, but unfortunately these has been blinding me in fact. When the results dawn upon me, then only I did gave a tight slap onto myself and told myself "Hey Sue Wen, what were you thinking/doing? Wake up you idiot! Stop being too comfortable in your comfort zone...and step out!"

I held my tears back with so much effort as I did not want to show it to my fellow colleagues. I broke down when I told a few of my closer friends. Back at home, I just ran straight into my room and played this song :

"What A Friend We Have in Jesus"

What A Friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and grieves to bear,
What a privelege to carry,
Everything to God in prayer.

O what peace we often forfeit?
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carr,
Everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations,
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged.
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a dirend so faithful?
Who will our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.


Tears just kept rolling from my eyes, wetting whatever my eye has contact with as I realized how silly I was for not bringing my troubles to God. God has been working in my life through prayers after prayers. How silly of me!I realy felt battered by the whole gynaecology posting :( And the feeling of being the only one failing is really, really sour. My heart aches whenever I think of it :( But I know that God wants me to learn something from this :(

On a lighter note, I am thrilled and looking forward to this Sunday as I am being baptised at last! My baptism interview went on quite well.

Somehow, the issue of my father is brought up again. Pastor Mike asked me if I had any history I want to tell and I told him that the only setback in my life currently would be not being able to reconcile with my father after so many years. Whenever I think of my mother having to suffer and take up the burden of supporting my family, I will become emotional and teary because I know she had sacrificed so much for us.The only reason I am in medicine is because of her and I would never be able to take up this profession if it was not for her toil and sweat. It aches my heart so badly because my father did not take up any responsibility whatsoever as a husband and as a father.

I did not know that this incident has such an impact on me. I thought that my father wouldn't really have any effect/impact on my life as he was not even a piece of puzzle of my life. He was not there when important things happen to me, basically he was not in any part of my life :( I told Pastor Mike that if I would ever see him on the streets, I really do not know what I would do :(

Later on, Pastor Mike challenged me to leave an open-ended sms to my father, informing him that I would be baptised this Sunday.Pastor Mike suggested that this would give him an opportunity to be part of my life. Will I have pluck enough courage to do so?

Soon after that, prior to the sermon, my tears kept pouring in buckets during worship. I did not understood why. Pastor was praying in front while my tears just kept pouring and puring like a leaking tap :( Only the next day did I understand that I cried because God loves me so much and I am finally crying praise for at last I am filled with Fatherly love which I never had experienced before. The ending to such draught.

I think I am insane as I write this but God has told me to do this, to go ahead and drop this message :

" I sincerely hope that my earthly and my heavenly Father would be there on the day of my baptism. Which means YOU, Mr L, I want you to be part of my life. "

This is insane. And believe it or not, I am going to drop YOU a sms.

Let's see what becomes out of this.