Why?

I don't understand the reason we have to compete. I really don't understand.

I feel like the meaning of medicine is lost with all the comepetitiveness.

I am slowly losing i's feeling.

Please help me understand.

I just want to pass. Pls HELP me.

HANG ON

No matter how hard/how harsh things are on you....Just hang on to GOD's promises...
He WILL PROVIDE!!!!!

Just reminded about the goodness and the promises He has for us :)

Hmmm...

omg, i feel so much like the girl in this show....
i hope someday i would be able to come out of this...

Revelation / Insanity?

Here I am again in the middle of the hiatus of Semester 9. I m definitely the perfect example who only loos to God during times of trials and challenges :( I tend to be so comfortable and take God for granted during "peaceful" days, when in fact I should thank God even more for blessing me with "peaceful" days.

THe gynaecology SAQ results were definitely a big wake up call for me and a timely one too. I have been relying too much on myself since the beginning of Sem 9. I thought if I would just work my ass off in Gynaecology posting, I would be rewarded with good results. So much so, forgot to leave things to God. I relied a lot on myself and take pride in my hard work and participation. I was quick to judge ou others and was being a tiny little overconfident. I thought I knew gynaecology in and out, but unfortunately these has been blinding me in fact. When the results dawn upon me, then only I did gave a tight slap onto myself and told myself "Hey Sue Wen, what were you thinking/doing? Wake up you idiot! Stop being too comfortable in your comfort zone...and step out!"

I held my tears back with so much effort as I did not want to show it to my fellow colleagues. I broke down when I told a few of my closer friends. Back at home, I just ran straight into my room and played this song :

"What A Friend We Have in Jesus"

What A Friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and grieves to bear,
What a privelege to carry,
Everything to God in prayer.

O what peace we often forfeit?
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carr,
Everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations,
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged.
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a dirend so faithful?
Who will our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.


Tears just kept rolling from my eyes, wetting whatever my eye has contact with as I realized how silly I was for not bringing my troubles to God. God has been working in my life through prayers after prayers. How silly of me!I realy felt battered by the whole gynaecology posting :( And the feeling of being the only one failing is really, really sour. My heart aches whenever I think of it :( But I know that God wants me to learn something from this :(

On a lighter note, I am thrilled and looking forward to this Sunday as I am being baptised at last! My baptism interview went on quite well.

Somehow, the issue of my father is brought up again. Pastor Mike asked me if I had any history I want to tell and I told him that the only setback in my life currently would be not being able to reconcile with my father after so many years. Whenever I think of my mother having to suffer and take up the burden of supporting my family, I will become emotional and teary because I know she had sacrificed so much for us.The only reason I am in medicine is because of her and I would never be able to take up this profession if it was not for her toil and sweat. It aches my heart so badly because my father did not take up any responsibility whatsoever as a husband and as a father.

I did not know that this incident has such an impact on me. I thought that my father wouldn't really have any effect/impact on my life as he was not even a piece of puzzle of my life. He was not there when important things happen to me, basically he was not in any part of my life :( I told Pastor Mike that if I would ever see him on the streets, I really do not know what I would do :(

Later on, Pastor Mike challenged me to leave an open-ended sms to my father, informing him that I would be baptised this Sunday.Pastor Mike suggested that this would give him an opportunity to be part of my life. Will I have pluck enough courage to do so?

Soon after that, prior to the sermon, my tears kept pouring in buckets during worship. I did not understood why. Pastor was praying in front while my tears just kept pouring and puring like a leaking tap :( Only the next day did I understand that I cried because God loves me so much and I am finally crying praise for at last I am filled with Fatherly love which I never had experienced before. The ending to such draught.

I think I am insane as I write this but God has told me to do this, to go ahead and drop this message :

" I sincerely hope that my earthly and my heavenly Father would be there on the day of my baptism. Which means YOU, Mr L, I want you to be part of my life. "

This is insane. And believe it or not, I am going to drop YOU a sms.

Let's see what becomes out of this.

:(

Hurt once more :(

Happy Easter Everyone!

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak.. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly..

This is my prayer.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

-Extracted from an email :)

What A Friend We Have in Jesus

Wow, I have been away for quite some time...well, not that many people reads my blog anyway:(

I finally had a chance to breathe after the long, hectic gynae posting....Actually, it was rather smooth-going and interesting initially till thursday....when everthing just took a 180 degree turn....i find myself suddenly dragging to finish the posting :(

Starting Sem 9 so far has taught me a great lesson...It made me felt that I finally have to thoroughly equip myself with all the knowledge and management principles and learn things as a whole, rather than just touching everything superficially...I realized that now I have to gather as much knowledge as I can before I can become competent and handle my patients in the near future....

That is why, I don't mind spending most of my times in the wards and clinical settings where I know I can experience some form of clinical skills, something that can't be just read off the textbook....Despite being in the wards EVERY single day, I have to be scolded like this! OMG! I know I was late for one day...and that was entirely my fault, but I cannot possibly force ever single student to go to the wards rite? Wat is the point of forcing them to come when their heart is not even there to learn? TOTALLY POINTLESS! I am there because I want to learn something out of it, therefore I took the initiative to be there even on the day before and on the day of exams! HAIH, and i still have to be scolded :( But, nvm, I shall pray for the one who scolded me, I have learnt not to rant or be too quick to judge a person, you have your own reasons :)

Anywayz, I just got back from a very powerful sermon delivered by Pastor Chris Kam. AMAZING! He talked about storms of life and how as Christians, we grow more during our time of difficulties and challenges...and though how much we've seen things happen to others, nothing beats the experience when that harsh reality just hits you hard on the face out of the blue...

He told us that he learnt how to say what and how during challenges instead of asking why....

His testimony about his experience with his son, Ian having epidermoid cancer was really touching...especially when he related it to a hymn written by....( I can't remember the name) hehe in the 1800s....Really touching...A lot of people cried after listening to his sermon and he ended of well with singing a song, What A Friend We Have in Jesus...I could hear he was already struggling with his own emotions :(

This year has been a really good start for me in terms of spiritual growth, and I have to admit I do grow especially during times of challenges when I really just have to depend on the Lord. I really felt myself growing up especially after sem 9 started...the end of the tunnel is coming I guess :) hopefully I would be able to pass all my exams and graduate as scheduled. And I really long to pour out my best in all the postings and I pray that nothing bad will surge and dampen my "learning" spirits :( just like the incident on Thursday, I really should not let these things overwhelm me :(

Anywayz, I would be baptised soon and this would be another level/step of faith for me...BMEW was such a good weekend...It really revealed to me how God worked in the lives of others....I have been so constrained with all the hustle bustle of med school that sometimes it really blinds me on what is happening outside Seremban Hospital :( Anywayz, it was a very refreshing weekend and a good weekend that every Christian from DUMC should go for!

Till the next posting, Anaes and Radio! TATA!

Dissapointed

FREAKING DISSAPOINTED WITH MYSELF (That's the worse part, nothing feels worse than being dissapointed with oneself)

AND TIME TO REFLECT UPON MYSELF

NO EXCUSES

AND NO MORE POINTING FINGER AT OTHERS

Blessed Are Those Who Are Meek and Poor In Spirit

I remember back in Form 4 when my Chemistry teacher ask about our ambitions....

Back then, I was so ambitious and aimed high...and I quickly point to my head and said...Neurologist....

Then along I went to IMU....harsh harsh harsh....almost blew o9ff what's left of me....I could only think of passing my exams, what more excelling....and then along came CNS....it was interesting...but so so tough....I didn't think I would do neurology anymore.....I just dumped the whole idea...and just concentrated on passing exams...

This time, after much hassle and trouble to get into Perth to do neurology....

It was a blessing, or should I say blessing in disguise?

I finally could see the satisfaction of becoming a doctor

And it really makes my heart smile for choosing to step into the medical profession....

Because I know I am here for a purpose, a purpose that no one could ever define...but just deep down I know I am here to make a difference.

Thank you Lord for all your blessings :)

TIme and TIde Waits For No Man

I asked myself this :

Do I want to be successful or continue to dwell in pity?

I'll choose the former. Everything moves on no matter what, and nothing is gonna stop and wait for yus...might as well pick ourselves up and move on coz it might be too late to recover the days we've wasted on something so unnecessary when actually we could've moved on earlier and thus, progressed further.

From the day I asked myself this, I set my mind towards my goal. Hopefully *fingers crossed* I can achieve my goal.

Birthday Gift from Abroad!!!!

I've never cried so much on my birthday before...omg....

But I have to say that this is one of the best birthday gift ever....

I'm so far away from them and yet this birthday gift felt so close at heart....

Thank you to all who has made the 23 years of my life memorable.... you know who you are :)
Thank you for shaping and molding me into who I am today...(well, still got loads more to improvelah...)

And ya, I have to take time and smell the roses coz they don't bloom forever....

I can't write anymore...tears just keep pouring and I can't even see the keyboard and screen properly....

I'll just let the videos do the talking...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kC7vVIIH23I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUPOjzzYQDY

(had some problem embedding the youtube videos...hmm, will try and figure out later...)

Thank you Pui Fun for creating the video and I will always rmb our funny times together especially at Vista...thx for leading me into Christ coz since then, I've grown tremendously and have a better perspective of life....hehe...

Thank you Min for always being the first to call and taking care of me all theses throughout the years I've known you and you do know that I'll be always be there for you no matter wat happens.....becoz Love endures forever ~ 1 Corinthians 13 ~

Thank you Li Yann for being part of my life for the past 10 years and since accepting Christ together, I've seen that you've grown so much and we were and still would be a blessing to each other's life... :)

Thank you Zi Yun for the beautiful message...and yes, you are right....friendship is really not measured by the amount of time we've known each other but rather above it all it's the quality that really matters...thank you for showing me when's right and wrong because it is through that only I learn and really make me realize that reality can be harsh if I don't try to be independent....thx zizi....and I will stop and smell the roses :)

Thank you Valene.........I cried most after reading ur msg...coz it reminds me of the time we studied together during EOS 7...I would have broke down if it is not because of you....Anywayz, you're stronger and better than you imagine yourself to be, so stay strong girl!!!! U can do it and looking forward to see your smiles :)

Thank you Li Shan for being my MOMMY!!!! and the CAMERAWOMAN!!! haha....will always cherish those times we had in VIsta...always playing mahjong, yum-cha, playing cards with the rest of your gang - Lydia, Mustaqim and Wei Loong...you guys really brighten the Vista days...hehe....and thx for always taking care of us in Vista...miss ur green calculator Li SHan!!!!

Thank you Jan for being a true friend of mine along with Min...all these year's we've spent together.....I'll nvr forget them....I miss hanging out with the both of you TOGETHER!!!!! ahhhh.......but hopefully...after all of us graduate, the 3 of yus can sit on the same table and yak throughout the night :)

Randomness

~ Nothing can hurt unless you give it the power to ~

Every Little Thing Counts

It didn't occur to me to talk to the 60 year old lady with pancreatic cancer....

2 days ago, she seemed happy and talking about how she wanted to live till she sees her granchildren gets married

Today, she seemed as though fate had betrayed her

And yet at that time, I was thinking of how to have fun and where to go etc...

When I finally gave a thought about this, it's too late d...

Does the medical profession sucks humanity out of you?

I remember I wasn't this cold when I just started....

GOD BLESS YOU LOKE CHAI, wherever you will be :)

P.S. Even the smallest thing you have to offer to others counts :)

Love Letter

Dear Father,

I still remember the days when I trod along those corridors so aimlessly.
I felt down, tired, helpless.
I marched with heavy steps and tears overfilling my eyes like how rain water overfills the gutters during downpour.
No one to reach out to, I feel so doomed.
But luckily I have You.
I know I have to battle my emotions myself.
But I couldn't have done it without You.
Those days are over but my gratitude towards You shall linger.
I really pray that the days ahead will be brighter and sunnier.
I cannot feed depression.
Neither can I succumb to it.
Because my Father says "TAK NAK" to negativity.

Love,
Sunflower :)




My child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you.

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.

I am familiar with all your ways.

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.

For you were made in My image.

In Me you live and move and have your being,

For you are My offspring.

I knew you even before you were conceived.

I chose you when I planned creation.

You were not a mistake,

For all your days are written in My book.

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I knit you together in your mother's womb,

And brought you forth on the day you were born.

I have misinterpreted by those who don't know Me.

I am not distant and angry, but am complete expression of love,

And it is my desire to lavish My love on you

Simply because you are My child and I am your Father.

I offer you more than my earthly father ever could,

For I am the perfect Father.

Every good gift that you receive comes from My hand,

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope

Because I love you with an everlasting love.

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore,

And I rejoice over you with singing.

I will never stop doing good to you,

For you are my treasured possession.

I desire to establish you with all My heart and all My soul,

And I want to show you great and marvellous things.

If you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me,

Delight in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart,

For it is I who gave you those desires.

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine,

For I amyou greatest encourager.

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.

When you are broken hearted, I am close to you.

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to My heart.

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes,

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love My Son, Jesus,

For in Jesus My love for you is revealed.

He is the exact representation of My being.

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you,

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled

His death was the ultimate expression of My love for you.

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.

If you receive the gift of My son Jesus, you receive Me,

And nothing will ever separate you from My love again.

Come home, and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.

I have always been Father, and will always be Father.

My question is.....Will you be My child?

I am waiting for you.

Love,

Your Dad,

Almighty God.

Funerals

i'm dissapointed....just so dissapointed :( i should just forget bout it...

i dunno why...i know i shouln't feel this way...but i just am...argh

God will free me of this, He WILL!!!!

Anyways, went to basic doctrine today...

Then something struck my mind...

Mr Daniel Lim played a youtube video by Yasmin Ahmad (it received an award)...

Touching...

Then he asked us, "What would you be remembered for, if it was your funeral?"

I have asked myself this before while I attended my cousin's funeral not too long ago.

I asked myself, "What if this was my funeral? Will anybody attend it? Has what I done be sufficient enough to leave trails of memory, here on Earth? What would people here remember me for?"

I really do not want to live my life here with just the aim to pass another day.
I do no want to wake up in the morning and fill the rest of the day with pure routine work....an not caring bout the rest of te world...
There's so much I want to do, but I don't know i I'm called for it? I also dunno.
Maybe,I really need to realign myself with God, so that I know what He wants me to do, to reach out for His glory.

Anywayz, I think I'll just have to let go of the matter at hand and learn how to enjoy the blessings of God. God Bless everybody!

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he wil also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

:)

Exam is tomorrow....

And of all the time I choose to blog, I choose now pula.

But I have the sudden desire to express how I feel.

I feel that I am surrounded by LOVE.

And I only can attribute this to you.

As long as uplift your name and live in righteousness, I am more than happy.

I owe all this to you.

I dedicate my LIFE to you, Oh Lord.

PEACE

UNCERTAIN

So many questions in my mind.

I CAN'T FREAKING STUDY!!!!